Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
