Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
