My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize