My first STD was from a foam party
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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