So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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