so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize