There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize