No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
