You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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