you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
