Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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