I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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