I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
