sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
