It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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