i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
