i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
