you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
