o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
