Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
