please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
