If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize