After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
