I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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