Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
