A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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