too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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