you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
