i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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