Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
