a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
