I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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