Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i drank out of a bidet.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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