I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
