Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just cut my nipple shaving
please come you make the beer taste better
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
