I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
