omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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