I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
