i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
