I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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