You smell like a Billy Joel song
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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