Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
