I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
