Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize