have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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