you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
