you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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