There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
