In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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