Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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