why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
