hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
