I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
