i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
