I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
