i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
