I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
