I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
