i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
