My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need a beard to bite.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
