So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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