Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
