My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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