she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
